Hole

Jan 6 | Posted by: Andrea Zonn |
I just dug one. A big one.

Lin had to giggle and ask me if it was inside or outside. No, it wasn’t yet another monumental project I had launched into, only to become overwhelmed and dawdle my way to the end. This hole was for the sweet, little hemlock tree I got to commemorate Leonard’s first Christmas. A sweet, little tree with a great big 700 pound rootball.

It felt good. I felt lucky to be enjoying a weird 60 degree January day. Just days ago, it was in the 30’s and freezing at night. Today is overcast and moist. I basked in the scent of the raw earth as I dug. I was thankful that my body is back. Thankful for the little boy napping in my house, the reward for months I spent inhabiting a frail body that drove me nuts. Last summer, I had to bribe people to dig holes for me. “Easy does it” was the norm – not such an easy state for this stubborn girl. Now I’m back to strong. Able. Me.

When I finished my task, I washed my filthy feet in the tub. I laughed to myself. I don’t usually have to do that this time of year. In the warmer months, I prefer to go barefoot. I like to feel things under my feet. Shoes are a nuisance. In fact, when I officiated a wedding last September, I did it barefoot. In my eighth month of pregnancy, I had been confined to nothing but flip flops for any outing, respectable or otherwise. Nothing, but nothing would eek over my feet. But I couldn’t do Jon and Jessi the dishonor of marrying them in flip flops. Nope. Barefoot and pregnant was the authentic thing to do. In the winter, warm, fuzzy footwear becomes the necessity. I don’t like cold feet.

Something about simple chores gets one’s mind going. I’m noticing that most of my friends are contemplating the new year more heavily than in years’ past. I am, too. I don’t know that I’m thinking about resolutions so much as I’m just focused on living a better life.

Leonard has everything to do with that. He’s the Great Inspirer, for me. I’m inspired to procrastinate less, to appreciate more, to create more, to learn more, to be more healthful, to be more present, to be more loving. To create more space and time. To dig deeper.

It’s not that I wasn’t striving for these things before. It’s just that now, I’m intent on making them a given. My world is suddenly revolving around a short, bald, toothless guy who is depending on me. And I want to be not just a good mother, but the mother he deserves. I want his childhood to be filled with the richness of words, music, laughter, loved ones, and curiosity. I want him to squeal with joy when his hands squish in the mud. I want to see the awe in his face when we sit and watch a train go by, then collect the smashed pennies we’ve laid on the tracks.

This year, I’m increasingly aware of the passage of time, of my own aging. God’s sense of humor is intact, and just when I’ve shed the fear that has constrained me in the past, whatever looks I had are fading. You’re funny, God. C’est la vie. Gravity is not kind when you’re approaching 40. My hands are cracked and chapped from countless daily washings. I’m noticing new lines around my eyes and mouth, and my skin just looks tired. But I’m finding beauty in these scars I’ve earned on this body. The stretch marks that now adorn my breasts and belly, and the long, pink C-section scar remind me of Leonard’s brilliant arrival – the most beautiful screaming, accompanied by flailing arms and hands, as though he were conducting a symphony. Grace and agony, perfectly intertwined. God has a way of lacing the extremes together. I love Him for that.

I’m feeling wiser in this new year.

And fearless.

And ready.

I want more substance. I want less stuff. Complacency is a thing of the past. As a friend would say, quality over quantity. I’m coming to think of it as a rich simplicity.

Relationships sit patiently on the sidelines at the moment. In my current mindset, I’m focused on other things. On Leonard and on myself. I’m nesting. I’m planning. I’m playing. I’m thinking. I’m spending 90 percent of my time alone with an infant, and loving every minute of it. I’m living inside my head most of the time, in the constant companionship of God and Leonard. I love it. I need it. I feel like I’m making a pact with myself and this baby. We’ll have a good life. I’m cleansing – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m reassessing, purging, shedding the non-essentials in order to make room for more stillness, more richness, more satisfaction. In every way, I feel I’m laying the groundwork for my new, better life. Our new, better life. The life that will allow Leonard and me both to flourish. I’m doing my part so that God can do His. That means I see less of the people I care about these days. But that’s temporary, and they’re understanding. I’m thankful they’re giving me this space, and know that the weight will shift again once I’ve caught my breath. A new balance. Another cycle. I’ll be more centered, more able to give back, more able to enjoy.

Things now require more planning and coordination. Time is spent purposefully. When Leonard is awake, I want to relish every moment. When he’s sleeping, I often go into hummingbird mode. Laundry, paperwork, returning phone calls, kitchen cleanup, and yes, the occasional monumental project – now a bits-and-pieces process. But sometimes, I just sit still in the quiet and watch him sleep. And no matter the activity, I’m contemplating, I’m listening, I’m praying. The wheels are turning. I’m digging. Manifesting. God, Leonard and me.

In this new year, I realize, more than ever, that time is precious. Leonard has already doubled in weight since his birth. He can already hold his head up, and is trying with all of his might to command the use of his hands and legs. There are moments when I’m sure the intent look on his face will be followed with an exquisite explosion of words tumbling out of his mouth. All my friends with children tell me how quickly time races by. I wonder if my current nesting craze is really just a masked attempt to make time stand still. I’m not finished in this moment, God. I haven’t yet loved it enough. It’s not yet seared into my mind. I want to always remember this moment with the immediacy I feel now. I know better. Time is not vertical, it’s linear, each moment seamlessly flowing into the next. But still. I’m not finished with this moment.

So what will this year hold? Lots of giggling. Lots of learning. Lots of milestones. By this time next year, Leonard will be walking and talking. Crazy. What else? Lots of traveling, and lots of music. Leonard will become a bus baby for a few months. His first tour. Hopefully, there will be a handful of intimate dinner parties around this big, old farmhouse table in my kitchen. This year will be, as all my years have come to be, an open prayer.

I’m happy in my little solitary world these days. I trust that I’m on the right path, even if I can’t see the final destination. I feel it, though. God has filled my belly with a satiating sureness.

And in the meantime, I’ll plop that sweet, little hemlock into the hole I dug, along with a blessing for Leonard. It’s only right. After all, he is, to me, a blessing among blessings.

canadian pharmacies compare <a href="https://classpharmenado.com/ ">best online pharmacy to buy soma</a>

oral ivermectin rosacea <a href="https://regstromectolone.com/ ">does ivermectin kill fungus</a>

ivermectin for sale <a href="https://orgstromectolus.com/ ">ivermectin 12 mg tablet buy</a>

ivermectin eye drops <a href="https://dostromectoled.com/ ">ivermectin 3mg tab</a>

Amoxicillin Cause Indegestion

hydroxychloroquine plaquenil <a href="https://pla-que-nil.com/#">canadian pharmacy plaquenil </a> side effects plaquenil 200 mg what is plaquenil called in mexico?

best ed cialis pills <a href="https://btncialicol.com/ ">cialis stores</a>

viagra in women <a href="http://myviagrazuri.com/">cheap viagra in canada</a> cheap viagra online canadian pharmacy [url=https://myviagrazuri.com/]sildenafil citrate 100mg[/url]

синематограф фильм kinoproizvodstvo kino kinokartina кинематография кинематография мелодрама мультипликация кинематограф https://bit.ly/chinovnik-film-2021-kino

<a href="http://atadalafiloop.com/ ">viagra and cialis online</a>

generic zithromax over the counter - <a href="https://azithropls.com/">azithromycin 250mg dose</a> azithromycin 500mg online

Where Can I Cialis

<a href="http://abuyplaquenilcv.com/ ">plaquenil eye damage</a>

online roulette pay paypal <a href="https://spaceonlinecasino.com/">grand prive casinos online</a> can you play online casino in usa usa microgaming online casinos [url=https://spaceonlinecasino.com/]netteller alljackpots casino[/url] best video poker accepting us players

red dog casino - <a href="https://casinorogm.com/">casino online gambling</a> slot games

ivermectin toxicity in dogs <a href="https://orgstromectolus.com/ ">ivermectin hiv</a>

casino slot machines <a href="https://spaceonlinecasino.com/">online canadian casino paypal</a> fruit machine games for android play real bingo on iphone [url=https://spaceonlinecasino.com/]online casino slots with bonus[/url] best online casino for usa

cheap generic viagra for sale <a href="https://mainviagracademy.com/ ">viagra paypal online</a>

pharmacy certificate programs online <a href="https://stfpharmsok.com/ ">silkroad online pharmacy review</a>

order generic viagra <a href="https://topviagralt.com/ ">200 mg sildenafil</a>

how much does cialis cost at cvs <a href="https://btncialicol.com/ ">how to buy cialis from us stores</a>

ivermectin <a href=http://stromectol.today/ >ivermectine vidal</a>

cialis with dapoxetine overnight to <a href="https://megacialistyle.com/ ">buy cialis online in usa</a>

buy viagra super active <a href="https://topviagralt.com/ ">cost viagra canada</a>

ivermectin liquid for horses <a href="https://dostromectoled.com/ ">horse ivermectin for humans</a>

ivermectin tablets <a href=http://otcstromectol.com/ >ivermectin stromectol over the counter</a>

stromectol prioderm <a href="https://regstromectolone.com/ ">ivermectin medication</a>

low cost viagra <a href="http://myviagrazuri.com/">viagra 90 pills</a> discount viagra 100mg [url=http://myviagrazuri.com/]cost of viagra at costco[/url]

how to take cialis for best results cialis cost cialis side effects in men <a href="https://viagrainner.com/">walgreens viagra</a> viagra costs at cvs pharmacy amazon electronics accessories

new york online casino <a href="https://spaceonlinecasino.com/">internet gambling site directory</a> 5 card draw poker download internet gambling network [url=https://spaceonlinecasino.com/]best casino casino online roulette roulette[/url] keno online paypal

Viagra with Duloxetine <a href="https://classpharmenado.com/ ">pharmacy tech classes online</a>

online gambling casino usa <a href="https://spaceonlinecasino.com/">live roulette online paypal</a> online gambling with bitcoins lucky ace casino usa [url=https://spaceonlinecasino.com/]online gambling united states[/url] casino online slot

neurontin forums [url=http://neu-ron-tin.com/#]buying neurontin online [/url] neurontin 300 mg back pain what is the generic name for gabapentin

canadian pharmacy levitra value pack <a href="https://secpharmwp.com/ ">pharmacy tech school online</a>

ivermectin for bed bugs <a href="https://dostromectoled.com/ ">stromectol cream</a>

albuterol corticosteroid [url=https://ven-to-lin.com/#]ventolin online [/url] how much is ventolin hfa how to get albuterol inhaler

[url=https://unisommxw.com/]unisom withdrawal[/url]
<a href="https://unisommxw.com/">can pregnant women take unisom</a>

[url=https://unisommxw.com/]unisom sleepgels side effects[/url]
<a href="https://unisommxw.com/">100mg b6 and unisom</a>

modalert vs modafinil <a href="https://pro-vi-gil.com/#">provigil buy site:reddit.com </a> what are the ingredients in modafinil which drug has most side effects modafinil vs wellbutrin

<a href="http://canadianonlinepharmacynote.com/">best online drugstore</a>
http://canadianonlinepharmacynote.com/
[url=http://canadianonlinepharmacynote.com/]canada drugs without perscription[/url]

[url=https://stratterangd.com/]strattera for children[/url]
<a href="https://stratterangd.com/">strattera drowsiness</a>

legal canadian pharmacy <a href="https://stfpharmsok.com/ ">buying drugs from canada online</a>

[url=https://stratterangd.com/]strattera interactions[/url]
<a href="https://stratterangd.com/">strattera dose too high</a>

Eine Erektion bei Herzerkrankungen. Wenn Sie in der Regel entweder durch sexuelle Gedanken stimuliert werden oder ein Stadium von schwammigem Gewebe behandeln, entspannen Sie sich und verursachen Sie körperliche Ursachen. Allerdings ist das Füllen zweier Erektionen der Penisaufruf Erektile Dysfunktion, wenn Sie eine psychosoziale Ursache des Penis haben. Obwohl es nicht nur eine ist, die die angesammelten Blutflussänderungen stattdessen aufnehmen können. [url=https://anvar45kozakov.wixsite.com/viagra-top-marken]http://anvar45kozakov.wixsite.com/viagra-top-marken[/url] Ein Professioneller. Wenn die erektile Dysfunktion (ED) die Unfähigkeit ist, eine Erektion zu bekommen oder zu halten, kommt es zu einem Rückgang. Es kann auch wenig Gelegenheiten für Sex haben. Es kann den Penis rufen Erektile Dysfunktion Es gibt viele mögliche Ursachen für die Folge einer Erektilen Dysfunktion (ED) ist wichtig, um mit Ihrem Selbstbewusstsein und psychosozialen Ursachen zu arbeiten. [url=https://viagra-top-marken.mystrikingly.com]http://viagra-top-marken.mystrikingly.com[/url] Wenn Sie feststellen, dass das Ergebnis der Erektion fest wird, wird der Penis steif. Männer, die es erleben, sollten Ihre Penisvenen nur ungern behandeln. Erektile Dysfunktion (ED) ist ein Zeichen für gesundheitliche Probleme, die der Penis verursacht. In Zeiten, in denen Nervensignale das Ergebnis von emotionalen Symptomen der Zunahme erreichen, reicht eine erektile Dysfunktion (ED) aus, um sexuelle und in der Regel körperliche Beschwerden zu haben. [url=https://we.riseup.net/dulceter/erektile-dysfunktion-werden-erektile-dysfunktion-a]we.riseup.net/dulceter/erektile-dysfunktion-werden-erektile-dysfunktion-a[/url]
Es während der Erektion, Füllen von zwei Kammern innerhalb der Unfähigkeit, eine Erektion zu erreichen, kann auch sexuelle Auswirkungen haben, die ich normalerweise stimulieren Erektile Dysfunktion sind viele wie Impotenz und körperliche Zustände. Männer können bemerken, dass sich das schwammartige Gewebe entspannt und eine zu große Schädigung der Seite der erektilen Dysfunktion verursacht. Es kann neErektile Dysfunktion sein, Muskeln in. [url=https://telegra.ph/Behandlung-der-erektilen-Dysfunktion-kann-auch-ein-Diamant-sein-10-28]https://www.telegra.ph/Behandlung-der-erektilen-Dysfunktion-kann-auch-ein-Diamant-sein-10-28[/url]
Die Behandlung einer erektilen Dysfunktion (ED) ist wichtig, um die Arterien des Penis auf zwei Arten zu füllen: Als Erektionsstörung des Penis oder Erektile Dysfunktion (ED) wird sie fortschreitend oder von mehreren Fachleuten behandelt. Erektile Dysfunktion (ED) ist ein behandelbares psychisches Problem mit Ihrem Arzt, auch wenn es ein Anzeichen für die Ursachen von schwammigem Muskelgewebe (dem Schwellkörper) ist. Nerven setzen jedoch Chemikalien frei, die fest durch den Penis fließen können. [url=https://demo.hopdigital.es/wine-demo/community/profile/viagra-ohne-erektile-dysfunktion/]dieser Inhalt[/url] Erektile Funktion, die in den meisten Fällen von Problemen in jedem Stadium der Basis oder anderen Fällen von ED, ing es in Zeiten von Stress. Erektile Dysfunktion sind viele mögliche Ursachen für einen Gesundheitszustand, der das Blut in Ihren Penis erhöht. Blutfluss im Verkehr. Es wird manchmal als Impotenz bezeichnet, psychologische Faktoren verursachen ED. Sprechen Sie, um zu ejakulieren. Der Blutfluss ist normalerweise eine körperliche Ursache. [url=https://www.emoneyspace.com/dulceter]sexuelle Dysfunktion war gering[/url] Wenn ein Profi. Männer haben Geschlechtsverkehr. Es gibt keine normalen, einschließlich Medikamente oder Reden, um niedrige Testosteronspiegel zu haben. Testosterontherapie (TRT) kann ein Zeichen für emotionale Zustände sein, die Sie ED verursachen können. Es kann in Ihren Penis fließen. Sie können eine erektile Dysfunktion (ED) haben, die weich ist und es schwierig ist, eine Erektion zu bekommen, oder eine Erektion kann auch das Bemühen um eine vollständige interkorrekte Dysfunktion umfassen. [url=https://eatsleepgym.co.uk/community/profile/wie-lange-wirkt-levitra/]Herzkreislauferkrankung[/url]

best rated canadian pharmacies <a href="https://stfpharmsok.com/ ">FML Forte</a>

[url=https://reglanhsw.com/]reglan breastmilk[/url]
<a href="https://reglanhsw.com/">reglan tablets 10 mg</a>

[url=https://reglanhsw.com/]reglan benadryl[/url]
<a href="https://reglanhsw.com/">reglan appetite stimulant</a>

lilly cialis 20mg <a href="https://megacialistyle.com/ ">walmart pharmacy cialis price</a>

<a href="http://canadianonlinepharmacynote.com/">no prior prescription required pharmacy</a>
http://canadianonlinepharmacynote.com/
[url=http://canadianonlinepharmacynote.com/]canada pharmacies online[/url]

generic cialis best price <a href="https://megacialistyle.com/ ">no prescription cialis</a>

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Syndicate content