The Look

Jun 2 | Posted by: Andrea Zonn |

My sweet miracle child, the one I never thought I would be lucky enough to have, had brain surgery yesterday.  Easily the most terrifying thing I have ever faced.  

 

I got pregnant the old-fashioned way – out of wedlock.  Maybe this doesn’t have the stigma it once had, but it’s still a revelation that’s most often met with raised eyebrows.  It’s also certainly not how I ever imagined having a child.  But when you’re divorced, 37, and life presents you with such a surprise, you see it for the remarkable gift it is.

 

When I was carrying this child, I had an overwhelming, unwavering sense of him.  Not just the little body inside of me, but his whole self, his ways, his humor, his mind.  His spirit.  I knew him.  I wasn’t completely surprised when he waved to me in an early ultrasound.  I wasn’t completely surprised when I saw the faces of my brother and father peering (was that a grin?) at me in the last ultrasound.  I was amazed, but not surprised, when I felt him responding to music I participated in, in utero.  I got tickled, literally and figuratively, when I felt his fingers grasping at my pelvic bones in utero.  So I was absolutely not surprised when he emerged from my open belly, arms flailing wildly, cursing the cold air, the light and the sound, conducting his new symphony of life.  I heard that music.  And I know he did, too.

 

And I knew that no earth-entering soul in his right mind would choose to come in as he did, under these circumstances, with this mother and father, unless he did so knowing that I was the right choice.  His father was, too, but that’s their story.

 

When Leonard was a day old, I told the pediatrician that he was gifted.  Again, that raised eyebrow.  I said it because every mother probably says that about her children, and I thought I was being funny.  But deep down, I also meant it.  Leonard proved me right when he, among other things, started blinking his eyes in metronomic time at 4 days old.  You may not believe me, but Lin witnessed it, equally astonished.  He proved me right, when among other things, he started not only speaking, but amassing a huge vocabulary at 10 months.  He proved me right when he showed me he could sing pitches back to me at 5 months.  And again when he started writing songs at a year and half, toy guitar in hand.  True, the first one’s lyrics consisted of the lines, “no, no, no. yeah, yeah.”  But the song had a consistent melody, and a groove.  And again, when at just over two years old, he was speaking in mostly full and complete sentences, with careful enunciation.  My father would call that a proper command of the English language, something he thought was essential in life.  He would be dazzled by this grandson of his.

 

Above and beyond his smarts, Leonard is endowed with a beautiful spirit.  He’s an old soul, and I can’t remember a time when he wasn’t setting out to win the world over, one person at a time.  At times, it’s been hard for him to understand that not everyone shares this enthusiasm, but he seems to have escaped the indifference of the curmudgeons relatively unscathed.  So far.

 

I don’t know what he came here to do, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’ll be one to watch.  And despite the bragadocious tone of all the above, I have no vested interest in whatever it is he chooses.  I know that if I’m attentive and attuned as a mother, he’ll be better able to find the path that resonates with him, and where he is meant to find his place.  To do anything well and with integrity is important.  And my job as the mommy is support him well in this mission.

 

These days, every baby gadget, large or small, comes factory-equipped with an electronic music box.  These are horrid things that are bad to begin with, but get more and more out of tune as the batteries wear down, with ill-rendered, inaccurate snippets of “popular” children’s tunes, and more offensively, classical music.  If these were well-done, and the sounds even vaguely approximated an actual instrument, it might be tolerable.  But it simply is not.  Go ahead.  Call me a snob.  But as I see it, babies, toddlers and children are just the earliest targets in the current trend that is “the dumbing down of society.”

 

Leonard was not fooled.  The first of these many music boxes we encountered was included in a beautiful bassinet.  I laid my infant down.  I pushed the button.  Upon hearing this wretched sound, he started to cry.  The cruelest joke?  No off switch.  And the damned things are bolted on like they’re indispensible, critical to proper operation.  Of a bassinet.   Inevitably, another well-intentioned family member eventually pushed the button, and had I not removed Leonard, he would have hurled himself over the edge in an effort to escape.  To say he hated those music boxes is an understatement.  Lesson learned?  Leonard doesn’t cotton condescension.

 

I had already known that about him on an intuitive level, so I took that cue as confirmation, and vowed that I would always be mindful in the way that we communicated.  I sensed, even in those early days, that Leonard could understand my words, that if I just spoke the truth, he would hear it.  As I spoke, he would listen, looking at my face intently.  Not mystified, but somehow making sense of me.  And as his language skills have evolved, I’ve known to hear his truth.  When we were in Japan, and these then-mysterious headaches were new, and after two visits to doctors and two visits from an acupuncturist, my exhausted little man cried to me, “Mommy.  I’m tired, my head hurts, I want to go home, I need a doctor.”

 

And so began our dialogue about these headaches.  I listened to him when he told me he needed medicine.  The first time they had to draw blood, he listened to me when in the midst of his cries of pain, I told him, “It’s not going to get worse than this.”  His cries stopped immediately.  He paced himself.

 

If only we could all know that in life.  In the throes of adversity, at that worst moment, if only we could hear that voice saying “it’s not going to get worse than this.”  I’ve been listening with everything in me since early April, but I haven’t heard that voice, surely because God knew I didn’t really need to hear it.  He knows that He endowed with the ability to breathe through it.  But I sure wanted it.  Pacing oneself through the unknown is excruciating and exhausting.  To say one can handle it should never be confused with the notion that it’s easy.

 

 

 

 

There’s learning.  But learning and knowledge are not interchangeable ideas.  What I’ve observed in these last months is that there’s an experiential element that’s critical to building that bridge.  At least once, anyway, just to prove the theory.  You learn things, amassing information.  To put them into a context is where the knowledge occurs.  You have to be able to trust the process.  As I tried to process all the information I was getting in this most terrifying new scenario, I was able to sift my knowledge into three categories: my intellectual knowledge, my intuitive knowledge, and my fears.  Once upon a time, I believed that if you were enlightened enough, you could escape fear, that you could actually banish the thought.  The man I studied under in seminary used to laugh when I would propose this idea.  “Andrea, if any of us were that spiritually evolved,” he would say, “there would be no need to stay here.  We’d sprout wings and fly off to the next place.”  And now I know that not only is that not possible in the face of something this scary, but that it’s not necessary.  I’ve never been the mommy at a time like this before.  Intellectually, I knew that Leonard was in the right place, in the right doctor’s hands, and that this very invasive surgery was the only way to eliminate this problem.  Intuitively, I knew that things would unfold as they were intended to, as God would have it.  And I knew that surely, such a remarkable child couldn’t be here for such a short time.  Oh, wait, that was my intellect again.  For I know too many parents who have lost remarkable children far too early.  At any rate, I couldn’t shake the fear.  As soon as I would push it aside, it would sneak back in again.  I found my bottom line.  I could handle all of this, but I needed Leonard to wake up.  That’s it, God.  Just please make sure he wakes up.

 

In my almost 41 years, I’ve learned a lot.  About myself, about my intuition, about relationships, about work, about the world…  For me, there is one requirement to bring all of these seemingly disjointed things to common ground.  Love.  If you can learn to approach your experience from this place, if you can learn to sift through the insanity that would keep us from knowing peace, if you can simply and relentlessly pursue and sustain a relationship with the Divine, then finding peace is possible.  This is not easily done, but it’s more than worth the price of admission.

 

(to be continued…)

cheap viagra <a href=" https://edplsgeneric.online/# ">best place to buy viagra online</a> viagra over the counter usa 2020
natural ed medications https://canadianpharmacygeneric.online/ best drugs for ed
[url=https://lipitorageneric.com/#]lipitor tablets[/url] natural ed treatments

high credit score [url=https://getcreditscorefast.com/ ]free credit score now [/url] get my free credit report free credit reports https://getcreditscorefast.com/

how to increase your credit score fast credit karma free credit score <a href=" https://creditreportms.com/ ">minimum credit score for mortgage </a> how to get free credit report [url=https://creditreportms.com/ ]how to increase credit score [/url]

trans union corporation free credit report https://creditreportms.com/ free credit check <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">annual credit report free </a> free online credit score

credit karma what is credit score <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">free credit report equifax </a> free credit karma official site

transunion credit score https://creditreportms.com/ how to improve credit score <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">credit report for free </a> transunion credit score

my credit scoring https://creditreportms.com/ highest credit score <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">annual credit report free </a> free credit report experian

absolutely credit free score request credit report <a href=" https://creditreportms.com/ ">what is a perfect credit score </a> get a credit report [url=https://creditreportms.com/ ]good credit score range [/url]

discover credit score [url=https://creditreportms.com/ ]free credit report and scores [/url] credit karma <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">credit score chart </a> credit score needed for mortgage

get a free credit report <a href=" https://creditreportms.com/ ">check credit score for free </a> annual credit report request form

free annual credit report complaints [url=https://creditreportms.com/ ]equifax credit report free annual [/url] my free credit report <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">experian credit score </a> experian plc

my credit report transunion credit report phone number <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">absolutely free credit report </a> intuit credit score

https://getcreditscorefast.com/ annual credit report free how to check your credit score <a href="https://getcreditscorefast.com/ ">check my credit score for free </a> find out credit score

https://creditreportl.com/ turbotax credit score check your credit score <a href="https://creditreportl.com/ ">score credit </a> find my credit score

credit karma free credit report <a href=" https://creditreportl.com/ ">business credit score </a> free credit report uk

Привет! Класный у вас сайт!
Нашёл инфу в сети:
Кабала для «незалежной»: Киев заговорил об «унизительном обмане» http://uptek.ru/news/21328-kabala-dlya-nezalezhnoy-kiev-zagovoril-ob-uni...
http://uptek.ru/information-technology-it/18890-na-konferencii-e3-2016-s...
Ещё много интересного нашел тут: [b] новости атомной энергетики [/b] [url=http://uptek.ru/] новости новороссии русская [/url]
новороссия антимайдан http://uptek.ru/novorossiya-novosti-svodki/

credit score companies how to check credit score for free <a href="https://creditreportl.com/ ">truly free credit scores </a> annual credit report completely free government

how do i check my credit score https://creditreportl.com/ what is a good credit score number <a href="https://creditreportl.com/ ">freeze credit report </a> credit score chart

free experian credit report <a href=" https://creditreportl.com/ ">find my credit score </a> equifax credit report

credit score needed for mortgage https://creditreportl.com/ credit karma <a href="https://creditreportl.com/ ">experian free credit report </a> myfreecreditreport

get a free credit report [url=https://creditreportms.com/ ]credit report [/url] credit score chart experian credit

get my credit report <a href=" https://creditreportms.com/ ">free credit score experian </a> credit karma credit score free

what is a good credit score free credit reports <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">discover credit score </a> credit score free

average credit score [url=https://creditreportms.com/ ]unfreeze credit report [/url] how to check my credit score <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">experian credit </a> check credit rating

https://creditreportms.com/ free transunion credit report whats a good credit score <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">free credit score experian </a> credit score chart

https://creditreportms.com/ view my credit report free credit score checker <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">check credit </a> transunion credit report free

https://creditreportms.com/ credit report monitor how to check credit score for free <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">chase credit </a> absolutely credit free score

https://creditreportms.com/ best free credit report what is considered a good credit score <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">annual credit report </a> discover credit score

absolutely credit free score my credit scoring <a href=" https://creditreportms.com/ ">free credit report no credit card </a> get my free credit report [url=https://creditreportms.com/ ]free annual credit report official site [/url]

teen webcam sites [url=https://besthotcamgirls.com]cam sex[/url] live sex on web cam.
free adult webcam sex chat [url=https://bestonlinesexwebcamsforfree.com]sex cams couples[/url] web cam fetish.
wife has sex with dog on webcam [url=https://adultfreewebcamsitesbest.com]free amateur web cams[/url] chatroom teen titans chatroom in.
weekend cash loans [url=https://paydayloanspoi.com]bad credit loans monthly payments direct lenders[/url] cash advance denver.
need installment loan [url=https://instalmentloanswer.com]compare personal loan rates[/url] 12 month loans.
can you skip holiday loan payment [url=https://christmasloanscod.com]guaranteed christmas loans for bad credit[/url] aplusfcu.org holiday loan.
loans in mcallen tx [url=https://paydayloansquotes.cyou]payday loans in nc[/url] secure payday loans.
loans for bills [url=https://instalmentloans.cyou]bad credit loans direct lenders only[/url] cefcu loans.
no credit check holiday consolidation loans near me [url=https://christmasloans.cyou]aplusfcu holiday loan 2020[/url] loan payment due on holiday.

how to check my credit score [url=https://getcreditscorefast.com/ ]what is the highest credit score possible [/url] free credit reports <a href="https://getcreditscorefast.com/ ">my free credit report annual </a> transunion credit report phone number

real cialis without a doctor prescription <a href=" https://edplsgeneric.com/# ">buy cialis</a> tadalafil vs cialis
online drug store https://canadianpharmacygeneric.com/ canadian pharmacy
male ed drugs [url=https://canadianpharmacygeneric.online/#]cause of ed[/url] erection pills online

equifax credit report [url=https://creditreportl.com/ ]get all three credit scores [/url] credit bureaus <a href="https://creditreportl.com/ ">annual credit report official site </a> equifax credit report

equifax credit score [url=https://creditreportl.com/ ]equifax credit report free annual [/url] free credit report online credit score how to credit score

buy ed drugs online <a href=" https://canadianpharmacygeneric.online/# ">online medications</a> prescription drugs without doctor approval
coupon for cialis by manufacturer https://edplsgeneric.com/ cialis prices 20mg
cialis daily [url=https://edplsgeneric.com/#]generic cialis tadalafil[/url] cialis coupons

free credit credit score equifax free credit report <a href=" https://creditreportl.com/ ">how to check credit score for free </a> canadian credit check [url=https://creditreportl.com/ ]transunion free credit score [/url]

highest credit score possible https://creditreportl.com/ free credit report <a href="https://creditreportl.com/ ">karma credit score </a> free online credit score

check credit scores [url=https://creditreportl.com/ ]my annual credit report free [/url] free credit report online credit score credit score check free

free online credit report annual credit report free <a href=" https://creditreportl.com/ ">free equifax credit report request </a> credit report free [url=https://creditreportl.com/ ]free credit karma [/url]

excellent credit score [url=https://creditreportms.com/ ]credit report agencies [/url] mint credit score credit score definition

unfreeze credit report get free credit report <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">credit reporting </a> check credit score free

how to get a credit score [url=https://creditreportms.com/ ]free credit report instant [/url] free annual credit report <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">score credit </a> what is a credit score

my credit score <a href=" https://creditreportms.com/ ">free annual credit report official site </a> credit check

https://creditreportms.com/ transunion credit report [url=https://creditreportms.com/ ]free equifax credit report request [/url] <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">free credit reports </a>

free credit report equifax <a href=" https://creditreportl.com/ ">credit karma </a> transunion credit report dispute

how to increase credit score <a href=" https://creditreportms.com/ ">credit karma credit score </a> my credit report

https://creditreportms.com/ turbo credit score business credit report <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">what credit score for mortgage </a> credit score ratings chart

get credit score [url=https://creditreportms.com/ ]perfect credit score [/url] get all three credit scores <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">free credit report info </a> freecreditreport

https://creditreportms.com/ how to check your credit score [url=https://creditreportms.com/ ]one time free credit score [/url] <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">credit rating check </a>

https://creditreportms.com/ credit check free credit score scale <a href="https://creditreportms.com/ ">credit karma com free credit score </a> one time free credit score

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Syndicate content